Man googles ‘google’, forms black hole

Originally posted on Vacant Magazine:

A 24 year old man from the US city of Phoenix last night invoked global outrage as he broke one of the internet’s most fundamental taboos. It is rumoured that the man entered the term ‘google’ into the popular online search engine of the same name, at around 23.11 MST. The search engine returned just 1 result in 0.014 seconds – a black hole. The unnamed man, who fell victim to his own insanity, has become the first documented victim of the infamous cosmic phenomenon

Until last night’s events, black holes were commonly thought to be formed from the detritus left in the aftermath of supernovae – the explosion of a decaying star. It seems, however, that astrophysicists had overlooked the possibility of human behaviour reaching such depravity.

“We are baffled” admitted physicist Sir Roger Penrose, of the University of Oxford.

“We were confident that the hype around the CERN…

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US government uncover Russian spy network

News emerged from Washington earlier this week that the Pentagon has uncovered an extensive network of Russian ‘sleeper spies’ spanning across the entire United States. Experts believe that the nexus dates back to the height of the Cold War in the 1980s, and may contain as many as 30,000 agents.

A ‘sleeper agent’ is a spy placed within the target organization or country as a potential future asset. They are usually indistinguishable from the general population and often live full, active lives in their community for a number of years.

Often portrayed in popular fiction, the sleeper spy was a fabled tactic of the Soviet Union throughout the latter half of the 20th century. Until now, the US have only found evidence of a handful of sleeper spies.

Agents at both the FBI and CIA have been working on discovering a method to easily identify the spies and dismantle the 30 year old network. Government sources suggest that a simple code-word or phrase will hold the key to identifying the agents, a method that would have allowed the Russian Government to activate a large number of spies in times of need.

It is rumoured that the phrase ‘No thank you, I’ve had quite enough vodka’ Агенты, активировать. Проводить все цели и свергнуть правительство. Смерть на Западе. Агенты, активировать. Проводить все цели и свергнуть правительство. Смерть на Западе.Агенты, активировать. Проводить все цели и свергнуть правительство. Смерть на Западе.Агенты, активировать. Проводить все цели и свергнуть правительство. Смерть на Западе./////Агенты, активировать. Проводить все цели и свергнуть правительство. Смерть на Западе.Агенты, активировать. Проводить все цели и свергнуть правительство. Смерть на Западе.!!!!!

Пусть ваши пули летят прямо.

Apple reveal iTunes license agreement shock

A scandal emerged this morning as technology giant Apple released a press conference drawing attention to a clause in their widely overlooked iTunes license agreement. This clause allows the firm to immediately seize the user’s first born child.

Users of the Apple product must agree to a list of contractual obligations totalling 50 pages in order to use the media player.

A recent study conducted by investment specialist Skandia reveals that only 7% of users read the terms and conditions before signing up to free products and services.

The recent announcement by Apple CEO Tim Cook, delivered in a conference at their headquarters in California, was met by widespread shock and indignation from the audience.

“Clause 37b of the End User Agreement clearly states; ‘Users accept that Apple Inc. be granted full and immediate access to the first born of whatever children they might have, with the right to full custody. Further to this, the former legal guardians will have no right to appeal’” said Cook.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. We take your traditional child and turn them into a next-generation infant that is sleek, portable and intuitive” he continued, whilst demonstrating the benefits of implanting Apple’s signature control wheel in the forehead of a 18 month old baby.

This is the latest in the line of revolutionary new technological advances announced by Apple since they integrated the voice recognition system Siri into their iPhone 4S. Cook demonstrated in the conference how they believed the new iNfant would improve the anthropomorphic nature of Siri.

“We have been working hard on improving Siri, allowing greater voice control and a more engaging experience”

“Hello Siri, how are you today?” Cook jovially addressed the motionless infant, to a smattering of polite laughter.

“I want my Mummy”

 

 

See the full story and more at  http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=126517727492227&set=a.122387881238545.30187.122358684574798&type=1&theater

Chick-fil-A launch controversial new advertisement campaign

Fast food franchise Chick-fil-A continues to attract press attention, this week announcing plans for a controversial advertisement campaign starring new mascot “The Chick-Fill-A”.

The chain has recently come under scrutiny after it was revealed that the company’s charitable arm — the WinShape Foundation – had donated large sums of money to organizations that promote “anti gay” views and behavior.

One of these organizations to have received donations from Chick-fil-A is the Family Research Council (FRC), which has been labeled a “certified anti gay hate group” by the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC). The Chair of the FRC, Tony Perkins said he believed homosexuality should be outlawed in an interview on MSNBC in 2010.

Chick-fil-A’s funding of such groups has been a source of great controversy over recent weeks. Many supporters of gay rights have requested boycotts of the company, or for the restaurants to be closed down all together.

Those supporting the chain, including Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, have declared that such actions would be a violation of First Amendment rights such as freedom of speech. Huckabee called for a “Chick-Fil-A appreciation day” on his Facebook page, with other 550,000 viewers responding that they would participate.

Many are likely to regard the company’s new ad campaign as another attack on the gay community. The adverts star a mascot named “the Chick-Fill-A” and have already be criticized as an attempt to promote a heterosexual lifestyle and traditional marriage.

The adverts show a well-built cartoon man enjoying Chick-fil-A’s famous Deluxe Chicken Sandwich and waffle fries with a large breasted but modestly dressed woman. The woman’s t-shirt declares her “The Wife” whilst the man’s says “The Chick Filler” in large red letters.

The clips are accompanied by a musical jingle with lyrics including “Come to Chick-fil-A for delicious chicken/and to learn that the only place to stick-it-in/is your lady-wife/Chick-fil-A for life/We can’t say that you can’t be gay/But the Chick-Fill-A knows it’s the only way!”

Phillips Idowu’s injury revealed

One of Britain’s brightest medal hopes, triple jumper Phillips Idowu, this week emerged as a serious doubt for the London games. The 33-year-old has only competed on 3 occasions in 2012 and has recently missed a Team GB training session in Portugal.

Idowu and his coaching team have maintained an air of secrecy in regards to his condition and have not allowed Idowu to be seen in public since mid-June. This has left many speculating that the British number 1 may not be fit to compete on August 7th. Our sources have, however, managed to secure a rare interview with the elusive leaper and Vacant can exclusively reveal that Idowu has recently received a double leg amputation.

“It has been a tough run up to the games” reveals Idowu, sporting his trademark roguish grin.

“I have had to work hard on my technique, especially after my surgery. But I am feeling good, I am in excellent condition, I have lost quite a bit of weight and I’m flying better than ever”

Idowu missed on gold in Beijing 4 years ago, but managed to secure the world title in 2009. Many had pinned high hopes on Idowu to win Olympic gold in front of a home crowd, especially after the withdrawal of his main rival France’s Teddy Tamgho.

“I’m feeling quietly confident. I have missed a few meetings recently, but only so that I don’t aggravate my injury further”

We asked former Olympic triple jump champion Jonathan Edwards for his take on Phillips’ situation.

“Obviously a double transfemoral amputation may hinder his speed on the run up and his take-off” comments Edwards, who holds the triple jump world record with a leap of 18.29m.

“Many speculated that Phillips had picked up an injury, but his camp denied it vehemently. It’s not the end of the world, he may not beat my world record, but he should have a good crack at making the nation proud!”

You’re fired! Lord Alan Sugar seriously injured in kiln accident

Iconic business magnate Lord Alan Sugar is in intensive care following an incident involving a ceramics kiln. Reports suggest former Amstrad owner Sugar was on a visit to a charity event in Hackney when the accident occurred.

Eye witnesses report that Sugar ignored warnings by staff to maintain a safe distance from the oven and lost his footing, plunging his head and torso into the 800 degree inferno.

“He went up in a furiously ironic blaze” mused Raef Bjayou, popular former contestant on Sugar’s show The Apprentice, who was appearing alongside Sugar at the event.

“I feel for the bloke, but frankly he had it coming to him”