A scandal emerged this morning as technology giant Apple released a press conference drawing attention to a clause in their widely overlooked iTunes license agreement. This clause allows the firm to immediately seize the user’s first born child.
Users of the Apple product must agree to a list of contractual obligations totalling 50 pages in order to use the media player.
A recent study conducted by investment specialist Skandia reveals that only 7% of users read the terms and conditions before signing up to free products and services.
The recent announcement by Apple CEO Tim Cook, delivered in a conference at their headquarters in California, was met by widespread shock and indignation from the audience.
“Clause 37b of the End User Agreement clearly states; ‘Users accept that Apple Inc. be granted full and immediate access to the first born of whatever children they might have, with the right to full custody. Further to this, the former legal guardians will have no right to appeal’” said Cook.
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. We take your traditional child and turn them into a next-generation infant that is sleek, portable and intuitive” he continued, whilst demonstrating the benefits of implanting Apple’s signature control wheel in the forehead of a 18 month old baby.
This is the latest in the line of revolutionary new technological advances announced by Apple since they integrated the voice recognition system Siri into their iPhone 4S. Cook demonstrated in the conference how they believed the new iNfant would improve the anthropomorphic nature of Siri.
“We have been working hard on improving Siri, allowing greater voice control and a more engaging experience”
“Hello Siri, how are you today?” Cook jovially addressed the motionless infant, to a smattering of polite laughter.
“I want my Mummy”
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Vacant Magazine 