Vacant Magazine – Announcement

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Phillips Idowu’s injury revealed

One of Britain’s brightest medal hopes, triple jumper Phillips Idowu, this week emerged as a serious doubt for the London games. The 33-year-old has only competed on 3 occasions in 2012 and has recently missed a Team GB training session in Portugal.

Idowu and his coaching team have maintained an air of secrecy in regards to his condition and have not allowed Idowu to be seen in public since mid-June. This has left many speculating that the British number 1 may not be fit to compete on August 7th. Our sources have, however, managed to secure a rare interview with the elusive leaper and Vacant can exclusively reveal that Idowu has recently received a double leg amputation.

“It has been a tough run up to the games” reveals Idowu, sporting his trademark roguish grin.

“I have had to work hard on my technique, especially after my surgery. But I am feeling good, I am in excellent condition, I have lost quite a bit of weight and I’m flying better than ever”

Idowu missed on gold in Beijing 4 years ago, but managed to secure the world title in 2009. Many had pinned high hopes on Idowu to win Olympic gold in front of a home crowd, especially after the withdrawal of his main rival France’s Teddy Tamgho.

“I’m feeling quietly confident. I have missed a few meetings recently, but only so that I don’t aggravate my injury further”

We asked former Olympic triple jump champion Jonathan Edwards for his take on Phillips’ situation.

“Obviously a double transfemoral amputation may hinder his speed on the run up and his take-off” comments Edwards, who holds the triple jump world record with a leap of 18.29m.

“Many speculated that Phillips had picked up an injury, but his camp denied it vehemently. It’s not the end of the world, he may not beat my world record, but he should have a good crack at making the nation proud!”

You’re fired! Lord Alan Sugar seriously injured in kiln accident

Iconic business magnate Lord Alan Sugar is in intensive care following an incident involving a ceramics kiln. Reports suggest former Amstrad owner Sugar was on a visit to a charity event in Hackney when the accident occurred.

Eye witnesses report that Sugar ignored warnings by staff to maintain a safe distance from the oven and lost his footing, plunging his head and torso into the 800 degree inferno.

“He went up in a furiously ironic blaze” mused Raef Bjayou, popular former contestant on Sugar’s show The Apprentice, who was appearing alongside Sugar at the event.

“I feel for the bloke, but frankly he had it coming to him”

Man googles ‘google’, forms black hole

A 24 year old man from the US city of Phoenix last night invoked global outrage as he broke one of the internet’s most fundamental taboos. It is rumoured that the man entered the term ‘google’ into the popular online search engine of the same name, at around 23.11 MST. The search engine returned just 1 result in 0.014 seconds – a black hole. The unnamed man, who fell victim to his own insanity, has become the first documented victim of the infamous cosmic phenomenon

Until last night’s events, black holes were commonly thought to be formed from the detritus left in the aftermath of supernovae – the explosion of a decaying star. It seems, however, that astrophysicists had overlooked the possibility of human behaviour reaching such depravity.

“We are baffled” admitted physicist Sir Roger Penrose, of the University of Oxford.

“We were confident that the hype around the CERN experiments causing a black hole was ridiculous, but this? How could we foresee such an act?”

It had been previously speculated that CERN’s Large Hadron Collider may provide conditions conducive to the formation of a black hole that would engulf the earth, but one did not materialise.

World renowned expert on black hole theory Stephen Hawking was unavailable for comment in wake of the unfolding events, although he is reported to have batted a solitary, despondent eyelid.

“There isn’t much we can do to counteract the black hole. A similar approach with Bing is not feasible, I can barely find the directions to my local curry house on there, let alone revert a gravitational singularity” continued Penrose.

“The most I can do is advise the public to steer clear of any approaching event horizons”

Tennessee Senate bans the exclusive teaching of gravity

The Tennessee Senate has today approved a bill declaring that gravity is ‘just one of many possible theories” and should not be taught exclusively in schools.

Ron Weinger, a Republican State Senator who supported the bill, stated that the legislature would allow students to “challenge current scientific thought and theory”.

Speaking from outside the Tennesse State Capitol building in Nashville, Weinger said the bill would protect teachers who chose to criticize gravity and other scientific theories in their classrooms.

“The aim of all education is to teach students to think for themselves and we plan to do this by allowing children to be indoctrinated with whatever loosely founded views their teachers may hold.”

He added “there is strong evidence in the Bible that the Law of Gravity is a fallacy. For example, Hebrew 1:3 explicitly states that Christ upholds all things by the word of his power – seems like a pretty solid argument to me”

“If you compare this against what’s currently taught – that matter ‘emits gravitational waves’ which ‘effect the curvature of the space time continuum’…well gravity starts to look pretty unlikely doesn’t it? I’m pretty sure most of those aren’t even real words. Unlike Christ’s.”

Ms. Jenny Fuller, an elementary school teacher from Gatlinburg TN who has been campaigning against the inclusion of gravity in the school curriculum for several years, said she was “delighted” with the outcome.

“I have long felt uncomfortable teaching gra…gra….this theory” she said. “It is clearly a dangerous idea to teach our children – Newton ‘discovered’ gravity by an apple falling on his head, Adam and Eve fell from the Garden of Eden for eating one. Then Newton calls gravity an ‘attractive force between all objects’ – such a mentality is clearly a gateway for temptation and sexual promiscuity”.

Chairman of the Tennessee Republicans Chris Malloy said the bill was “a huge advancement for this great State.”

He added “this stand against the teaching of gravity, forced upon us by the Federal Government, perfectly embodies the Republican values that Tennessee was founded on – religious freedom, laissez-faire governance and trickle-down economics…oh…wait…fuck.”

Giant Pandas in evolutionary identity crisis

The Beijing Department of Animal Studies last night announced a startling breakthrough in their fight to re-establish the endangered Giant Panda. It is thought the discovery, reported on Chinese television network CCTV, could herald a new era in the fight to save the species.

“During clinical trials conducted by a team of international scientists” the network stated “A member of team made an astonishing discovery”

“It was noticed that every single Panda answered to the name Leroy”.

“We were in the midst of studying a segment of the animals genome thought to contain clues to breeding habits. It was pretty late and I was getting rather drowsy, so I shouted for the intern to bring me coffee” revealed Svetlana Alikov, the lead researcher on the project.

What followed next has been described by the international scientific community as the most significant moment in the species’ 45 year long fight against extinction.

“The pandas in the holding pen started behaving restlessly and after a few moments, the adolescent female Zhu-Lin bustled off, returning 3 minutes later with a caramel macchiato” she continued.

“I was stunned. Turns out, all you have to do is address them as Leroy and they do exactly what you ask.”

This morning the research teamed outlined a 10-year selective breeding programme – previously thought impossible due to difficulties involved in achieving successful copulation – to restore the population to a self-sustaining level.

There are fears, however, that the animal – native to Western China – may struggle to re-establish itself on the Asian continent. American Brett Johnson, technician on the project, highlighted the issues concerned:

“There is one simple hurdle in the panda’s fight for survival in Asia” he explained “the Chinese people couldn’t pronounce ‘l’ correctly if their own mother was being mauled by a llama.”

The Large Hadron Collider – Life after Higgs

CERN’s use of the Large Hadron Collider to discover the Higgs Boson, a particle thought to provide mass, has been hailed as the one of the largest scientific breakthroughs since Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.

However scientists at the institution have admitted that they have “absolutely no idea” what to do with the particle accelerator now and are searching for another use.

Director General Prof Rolf Incadel explains: “the Higgs Boson was discovered by re-creating conditions immediately after the Big Bang, achieved by firing particles at one another at incredibly high speeds.”

“We were hoping that this technique could be expanded to help us prove the existence of other theoretical objects, like unicorns.”

“Unfortunately our preliminary tests have been unsuccessful.”

“We experimented with colliding ponies and some pointy sticks, travelling at around 99.9999999991% the speed of light. However the data was inconclusive…and messy. We are hopeful that refining the angle of these collisions might yield better results”.

Despite the lack of success so far, the US military has announced that it is closely following the project. It is thought that they are interested in using the technique to justify the Iraq war, by conclusively proving the existence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the country.