The Chief Executive Office of Goldman Sachs today unveiled a revolutionary new service, dubbed ‘Social Alchemy’.
In a press conference delivered from the global headquarters of the investment bank, Lloyd Blankfein , rubbing his hands together and cackling with mirthless glee, outlined details of the scheme.“To put it simply” Blankfein drooled “we have divined a method of turning the broken dreams of honest, hard working Americans into pure gold”.
Although exact details of the procedure remain a closely guarded secret, many Wall street analysts have offered their take on events.“Too many times I have left Macy’s, in a brand new pair of Ferragamos, only to step right onto a dirty, festering, middle class vagabond” lamented Frederick Duberry, an MD at Deutsche Bank.
“Finally someone has devised a way of ridding the streets of the leeches that suck our nation dry, and put the money back in the pockets of those who deserve it” he added in a muffled tone, beneath a crudely improvised cashmere face mask. “Frankly, the stench of cheap cologne is becoming too much for us decent Wall Street gentlemen to bear”