CERN’s use of the Large Hadron Collider to discover the Higgs Boson, a particle thought to provide mass, has been hailed as the one of the largest scientific breakthroughs since Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.
However scientists at the institution have admitted that they have “absolutely no idea” what to do with the particle accelerator now and are searching for another use.
Director General Prof Rolf Incadel explains: “the Higgs Boson was discovered by re-creating conditions immediately after the Big Bang, achieved by firing particles at one another at incredibly high speeds.”
“We were hoping that this technique could be expanded to help us prove the existence of other theoretical objects, like unicorns.”
“Unfortunately our preliminary tests have been unsuccessful.”
“We experimented with colliding ponies and some pointy sticks, travelling at around 99.9999999991% the speed of light. However the data was inconclusive…and messy. We are hopeful that refining the angle of these collisions might yield better results”.
Despite the lack of success so far, the US military has announced that it is closely following the project. It is thought that they are interested in using the technique to justify the Iraq war, by conclusively proving the existence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the country.