Apple reveal iTunes license agreement shock

A scandal emerged this morning as technology giant Apple released a press conference drawing attention to a clause in their widely overlooked iTunes license agreement. This clause allows the firm to immediately seize the user’s first born child.

Users of the Apple product must agree to a list of contractual obligations totalling 50 pages in order to use the media player.

A recent study conducted by investment specialist Skandia reveals that only 7% of users read the terms and conditions before signing up to free products and services.

The recent announcement by Apple CEO Tim Cook, delivered in a conference at their headquarters in California, was met by widespread shock and indignation from the audience.

“Clause 37b of the End User Agreement clearly states; ‘Users accept that Apple Inc. be granted full and immediate access to the first born of whatever children they might have, with the right to full custody. Further to this, the former legal guardians will have no right to appeal’” said Cook.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. We take your traditional child and turn them into a next-generation infant that is sleek, portable and intuitive” he continued, whilst demonstrating the benefits of implanting Apple’s signature control wheel in the forehead of a 18 month old baby.

This is the latest in the line of revolutionary new technological advances announced by Apple since they integrated the voice recognition system Siri into their iPhone 4S. Cook demonstrated in the conference how they believed the new iNfant would improve the anthropomorphic nature of Siri.

“We have been working hard on improving Siri, allowing greater voice control and a more engaging experience”

“Hello Siri, how are you today?” Cook jovially addressed the motionless infant, to a smattering of polite laughter.

“I want my Mummy”

 

 

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Chick-fil-A launch controversial new advertisement campaign

Fast food franchise Chick-fil-A continues to attract press attention, this week announcing plans for a controversial advertisement campaign starring new mascot “The Chick-Fill-A”.

The chain has recently come under scrutiny after it was revealed that the company’s charitable arm — the WinShape Foundation – had donated large sums of money to organizations that promote “anti gay” views and behavior.

One of these organizations to have received donations from Chick-fil-A is the Family Research Council (FRC), which has been labeled a “certified anti gay hate group” by the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC). The Chair of the FRC, Tony Perkins said he believed homosexuality should be outlawed in an interview on MSNBC in 2010.

Chick-fil-A’s funding of such groups has been a source of great controversy over recent weeks. Many supporters of gay rights have requested boycotts of the company, or for the restaurants to be closed down all together.

Those supporting the chain, including Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, have declared that such actions would be a violation of First Amendment rights such as freedom of speech. Huckabee called for a “Chick-Fil-A appreciation day” on his Facebook page, with other 550,000 viewers responding that they would participate.

Many are likely to regard the company’s new ad campaign as another attack on the gay community. The adverts star a mascot named “the Chick-Fill-A” and have already be criticized as an attempt to promote a heterosexual lifestyle and traditional marriage.

The adverts show a well-built cartoon man enjoying Chick-fil-A’s famous Deluxe Chicken Sandwich and waffle fries with a large breasted but modestly dressed woman. The woman’s t-shirt declares her “The Wife” whilst the man’s says “The Chick Filler” in large red letters.

The clips are accompanied by a musical jingle with lyrics including “Come to Chick-fil-A for delicious chicken/and to learn that the only place to stick-it-in/is your lady-wife/Chick-fil-A for life/We can’t say that you can’t be gay/But the Chick-Fill-A knows it’s the only way!”

Goldman Sachs announce ‘Social Alchemy’

The Chief Executive Office of Goldman Sachs today unveiled a revolutionary new service, dubbed ‘Social Alchemy’.

In a press conference delivered from the global headquarters of the investment bank, Lloyd Blankfein , rubbing his hands together and cackling with mirthless glee, outlined details of the scheme.“To put it simply” Blankfein drooled “we have divined a method of turning the broken dreams of honest, hard working Americans into pure gold”.

Although exact details of the procedure remain a closely guarded secret, many Wall street analysts have offered their take on events.“Too many times I have left Macy’s, in a brand new pair of Ferragamos, only to step right onto a dirty, festering, middle class vagabond” lamented Frederick Duberry, an MD at Deutsche Bank.

“Finally someone has devised a way of ridding the streets of the leeches that suck our nation dry, and put the money back in the pockets of those who deserve it” he added in a muffled tone, beneath a crudely improvised cashmere face mask. “Frankly, the stench of cheap cologne is becoming too much for us decent Wall Street gentlemen to bear”