Man googles ‘google’, forms black hole

Vacant Magazine

A 24 year old man from the US city of Phoenix last night invoked global outrage as he broke one of the internet’s most fundamental taboos. It is rumoured that the man entered the term ‘google’ into the popular online search engine of the same name, at around 23.11 MST. The search engine returned just 1 result in 0.014 seconds – a black hole. The unnamed man, who fell victim to his own insanity, has become the first documented victim of the infamous cosmic phenomenon

Until last night’s events, black holes were commonly thought to be formed from the detritus left in the aftermath of supernovae – the explosion of a decaying star. It seems, however, that astrophysicists had overlooked the possibility of human behaviour reaching such depravity.

“We are baffled” admitted physicist Sir Roger Penrose, of the University of Oxford.

“We were confident that the hype around the CERN…

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Pamplona bull in horrifying injury

In a remarkable role reversal, a bull was gored to death in last week’s Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. The event takes place every year between the 6th and 14th of July in the Spanish town, attracting large crowds and global interest. The 600kg beast – named Los Terminos, meaning ‘The Terminator’ – was mauled by a 19 year old Greek man mid-way through the second morning of the festival.

“I heard the most almighty bellow” said American Brett Newell, competing in the event for the second time. “He came storming past me, head down and snorting viciously, before ploughing straight into the bull’s chest. Mental.”

It is the first time in the history of the event that such a serious injury has occurred to one of the bulls, with ambulance crews usually on hand to treat injured human competitors and spectators.

Little is known about the identity of the Greek teen, although many speculate that he was staging a bizarre protest against recent austerity measures enforced by the Greek government.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” reported one onlooker “The look in his eyes was terrifying. Although if my government slashed minimum wage by 22%, I’d be rather peeved”

“The poor creature never stood a chance”

When loan sharks bite back

A 45 year old man from Merseyside was taken to hospital by air ambulance after an incident involving a loan shark. He is being treated for severe leg and torso lesions. A 29 year old woman, believed to be his girlfriend, was also admitted to Broadgreen Hospital, Liverpool, with minor injuries.

It is believed that the couple seriously underestimated the literal nature of the notorious black-market financier. Reports indicate that at around 17.00 BST last Friday, a man was seen entering a property, widely known in the area as belonging to the shady lender, “munching on a steak sandwich”.

“I was 30 feet away, but it was unmistakably bloodier than medium rare” said Gary Pratley, who was in the area at the time of the incident. “All I’m saying is, I wouldn’t go near ol’ Jagger with even a pack of Walker’s steak and onion”

Richard ‘Jaws’ Jagger, a 14ft great white shark, is well known to the local authorities, having been charged with various accounts of assault, intimidation and minor fraud over the past decade.

“This won’t be the last time a member of the public falls foul of Mr Jagger” a police spokesperson said earlier today. “In the current economic climate, it is only natural for someone to seek alternative means of paying the bills. But we must stress that engaging in illegal activity with such characters is seriously dangerous, as Fridays events prove”

“By means of prosecution, there isn’t much we can about Mr Jagger” he continued. “Since the EU introduced those new fishing laws, we can’t just bash him on the head and chuck him back in the ocean”