Apple reveal iTunes license agreement shock

A scandal emerged this morning as technology giant Apple released a press conference drawing attention to a clause in their widely overlooked iTunes license agreement. This clause allows the firm to immediately seize the user’s first born child.

Users of the Apple product must agree to a list of contractual obligations totalling 50 pages in order to use the media player.

A recent study conducted by investment specialist Skandia reveals that only 7% of users read the terms and conditions before signing up to free products and services.

The recent announcement by Apple CEO Tim Cook, delivered in a conference at their headquarters in California, was met by widespread shock and indignation from the audience.

“Clause 37b of the End User Agreement clearly states; ‘Users accept that Apple Inc. be granted full and immediate access to the first born of whatever children they might have, with the right to full custody. Further to this, the former legal guardians will have no right to appeal’” said Cook.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. We take your traditional child and turn them into a next-generation infant that is sleek, portable and intuitive” he continued, whilst demonstrating the benefits of implanting Apple’s signature control wheel in the forehead of a 18 month old baby.

This is the latest in the line of revolutionary new technological advances announced by Apple since they integrated the voice recognition system Siri into their iPhone 4S. Cook demonstrated in the conference how they believed the new iNfant would improve the anthropomorphic nature of Siri.

“We have been working hard on improving Siri, allowing greater voice control and a more engaging experience”

“Hello Siri, how are you today?” Cook jovially addressed the motionless infant, to a smattering of polite laughter.

“I want my Mummy”

 

 

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Man googles ‘google’, forms black hole

A 24 year old man from the US city of Phoenix last night invoked global outrage as he broke one of the internet’s most fundamental taboos. It is rumoured that the man entered the term ‘google’ into the popular online search engine of the same name, at around 23.11 MST. The search engine returned just 1 result in 0.014 seconds – a black hole. The unnamed man, who fell victim to his own insanity, has become the first documented victim of the infamous cosmic phenomenon

Until last night’s events, black holes were commonly thought to be formed from the detritus left in the aftermath of supernovae – the explosion of a decaying star. It seems, however, that astrophysicists had overlooked the possibility of human behaviour reaching such depravity.

“We are baffled” admitted physicist Sir Roger Penrose, of the University of Oxford.

“We were confident that the hype around the CERN experiments causing a black hole was ridiculous, but this? How could we foresee such an act?”

It had been previously speculated that CERN’s Large Hadron Collider may provide conditions conducive to the formation of a black hole that would engulf the earth, but one did not materialise.

World renowned expert on black hole theory Stephen Hawking was unavailable for comment in wake of the unfolding events, although he is reported to have batted a solitary, despondent eyelid.

“There isn’t much we can do to counteract the black hole. A similar approach with Bing is not feasible, I can barely find the directions to my local curry house on there, let alone revert a gravitational singularity” continued Penrose.

“The most I can do is advise the public to steer clear of any approaching event horizons”

Giant Pandas in evolutionary identity crisis

The Beijing Department of Animal Studies last night announced a startling breakthrough in their fight to re-establish the endangered Giant Panda. It is thought the discovery, reported on Chinese television network CCTV, could herald a new era in the fight to save the species.

“During clinical trials conducted by a team of international scientists” the network stated “A member of team made an astonishing discovery”

“It was noticed that every single Panda answered to the name Leroy”.

“We were in the midst of studying a segment of the animals genome thought to contain clues to breeding habits. It was pretty late and I was getting rather drowsy, so I shouted for the intern to bring me coffee” revealed Svetlana Alikov, the lead researcher on the project.

What followed next has been described by the international scientific community as the most significant moment in the species’ 45 year long fight against extinction.

“The pandas in the holding pen started behaving restlessly and after a few moments, the adolescent female Zhu-Lin bustled off, returning 3 minutes later with a caramel macchiato” she continued.

“I was stunned. Turns out, all you have to do is address them as Leroy and they do exactly what you ask.”

This morning the research teamed outlined a 10-year selective breeding programme – previously thought impossible due to difficulties involved in achieving successful copulation – to restore the population to a self-sustaining level.

There are fears, however, that the animal – native to Western China – may struggle to re-establish itself on the Asian continent. American Brett Johnson, technician on the project, highlighted the issues concerned:

“There is one simple hurdle in the panda’s fight for survival in Asia” he explained “the Chinese people couldn’t pronounce ‘l’ correctly if their own mother was being mauled by a llama.”

The Large Hadron Collider – Life after Higgs

CERN’s use of the Large Hadron Collider to discover the Higgs Boson, a particle thought to provide mass, has been hailed as the one of the largest scientific breakthroughs since Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.

However scientists at the institution have admitted that they have “absolutely no idea” what to do with the particle accelerator now and are searching for another use.

Director General Prof Rolf Incadel explains: “the Higgs Boson was discovered by re-creating conditions immediately after the Big Bang, achieved by firing particles at one another at incredibly high speeds.”

“We were hoping that this technique could be expanded to help us prove the existence of other theoretical objects, like unicorns.”

“Unfortunately our preliminary tests have been unsuccessful.”

“We experimented with colliding ponies and some pointy sticks, travelling at around 99.9999999991% the speed of light. However the data was inconclusive…and messy. We are hopeful that refining the angle of these collisions might yield better results”.

Despite the lack of success so far, the US military has announced that it is closely following the project. It is thought that they are interested in using the technique to justify the Iraq war, by conclusively proving the existence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the country.