Phillips Idowu’s injury revealed

One of Britain’s brightest medal hopes, triple jumper Phillips Idowu, this week emerged as a serious doubt for the London games. The 33-year-old has only competed on 3 occasions in 2012 and has recently missed a Team GB training session in Portugal.

Idowu and his coaching team have maintained an air of secrecy in regards to his condition and have not allowed Idowu to be seen in public since mid-June. This has left many speculating that the British number 1 may not be fit to compete on August 7th. Our sources have, however, managed to secure a rare interview with the elusive leaper and Vacant can exclusively reveal that Idowu has recently received a double leg amputation.

“It has been a tough run up to the games” reveals Idowu, sporting his trademark roguish grin.

“I have had to work hard on my technique, especially after my surgery. But I am feeling good, I am in excellent condition, I have lost quite a bit of weight and I’m flying better than ever”

Idowu missed on gold in Beijing 4 years ago, but managed to secure the world title in 2009. Many had pinned high hopes on Idowu to win Olympic gold in front of a home crowd, especially after the withdrawal of his main rival France’s Teddy Tamgho.

“I’m feeling quietly confident. I have missed a few meetings recently, but only so that I don’t aggravate my injury further”

We asked former Olympic triple jump champion Jonathan Edwards for his take on Phillips’ situation.

“Obviously a double transfemoral amputation may hinder his speed on the run up and his take-off” comments Edwards, who holds the triple jump world record with a leap of 18.29m.

“Many speculated that Phillips had picked up an injury, but his camp denied it vehemently. It’s not the end of the world, he may not beat my world record, but he should have a good crack at making the nation proud!”


Chewbacca loses Wimbledon final, wins nation’s hearts

Roger Federer (30) was victorious in the final of the men’s singles at Wimbledon this Sunday. However, whilst the Swiss tennis star took home his fifth title and over $23 million in prize money, his opponent was also rewarded by a shift in public opinion.

Playing as the first Wookiee to ever reach the Men’s final, Chewbacca (224) lost three out of four sets to Federer.

A veteran on the tennis circuit, Chewbacca has failed to win over the public during his career, despite formidable tennis skills (his immensely powerful reverse shot, dubbed the ‘Chewbac-hand’, is particularly notorious).

The media has often commented on the distance between his sporting and social gifts. He is well known for his lack of eye contact and habit of ‘grunting’ during interviews. This, combined with his morose expression during matches, has led to his nickname of ‘The Wretched Wookiee’.

This all changed after Chewbacca’s very public disappointment at losing this year’s final. Dropping his racket, he cried “BLEUGHHHHHARMEMMMEEHHUUIIIKKKJOOOJOJHHEEEEESSSSFDDDEEE”, his anguish broadcast worldwide as tears matted the fur below his eyes.


Such an affecting display had never been seen before from the player, who nevertheless restrained himself to shake his opponent’s hand and congratulate him before the cameras.

His emotional yet graceful reaction in the face of defeat struck a cord with the British public, who hastened to praise the player on Twitter, including remarks from several famous figures.

“He may have lost the match, but Chewbacca has shown impeccable sportsmanship” tweeted golfer Lee Westwood.

Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour Party, posted that “He has forever won a place in British hearts. The nation is proud”.

During an interview with The Guardian this morning, the player was asked if his newfound popularity had alleviated his disappointment. In an uncharacteristically loquacious reply, Chewbacca stated “DDRRIIIINNNTTTEEEEEGGGUUUNNN…RAWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRWRWRRRRWRRRRRRWRWRRRRRRRRR”.


Small girl appointed England manager

Tunbridge Wells teen at center of football furore

A clerical error has left the top bosses of the English Football Association red-faced in the wake of this morning’s shock announcement.  15 year old Harriet Ridley has emerged as the successor to Roy Hodgson, who’s side failed to progress beyond the quarter-finals of last months Euro 2012.

An FA spokesman released the following statement earlier today, in response to the nationwide cries of vociferous bewilderment at the latest in a string of controversial decisions made by the football governing body.

“We understand that the fans may have some concerns over Miss Ridley’s credentials,  but we assure you that what she lacks in ‘footballing knowledge’ she more than makes up for in determination”

“Harriet was not originally on our shortlist of potential targets, however we feel confident that she can step up to the mark”

Ridley, a student at Tunbridge Wells, boasts a formidable record at the level of  inter-school 7-a-side, having made 12 appearances for the Under 16 ‘2nd team’ – scoring 4.

It had been previously thought that former Tottenham Hotspur manager Harry Redknapp was in line to replace Hodgson, although there had been speculation that former boss Sven-Göran Eriksson could make a surprise return.

When questioned in her home about her appointment, Ridley – clutching a copy of the Hunger Games to her quivering breast – uttered a series of indecipherable wails before hastily retreating into her hallway.

It is thought that a secretary at the FA Headquarters in Wembley Stadium, under the influence of what the FA spokesman is calling a “shit tonne of barbiturates”, misinterpreted a memo instructing him to issue a contract to Harry Redknapp.

The employee, who wishes to remain anonymous, has become an overnight internet sensation in the wake of the news. He released the following statement to Vacant journalists: “I think it’s pretty hilarious”

“We all know the England team is a sack of shit, how much worse can it get?”

More to follow.