Man googles ‘google’, forms black hole

A 24 year old man from the US city of Phoenix last night invoked global outrage as he broke one of the internet’s most fundamental taboos. It is rumoured that the man entered the term ‘google’ into the popular online search engine of the same name, at around 23.11 MST. The search engine returned just 1 result in 0.014 seconds – a black hole. The unnamed man, who fell victim to his own insanity, has become the first documented victim of the infamous cosmic phenomenon

Until last night’s events, black holes were commonly thought to be formed from the detritus left in the aftermath of supernovae – the explosion of a decaying star. It seems, however, that astrophysicists had overlooked the possibility of human behaviour reaching such depravity.

“We are baffled” admitted physicist Sir Roger Penrose, of the University of Oxford.

“We were confident that the hype around the CERN experiments causing a black hole was ridiculous, but this? How could we foresee such an act?”

It had been previously speculated that CERN’s Large Hadron Collider may provide conditions conducive to the formation of a black hole that would engulf the earth, but one did not materialise.

World renowned expert on black hole theory Stephen Hawking was unavailable for comment in wake of the unfolding events, although he is reported to have batted a solitary, despondent eyelid.

“There isn’t much we can do to counteract the black hole. A similar approach with Bing is not feasible, I can barely find the directions to my local curry house on there, let alone revert a gravitational singularity” continued Penrose.

“The most I can do is advise the public to steer clear of any approaching event horizons”


Tennessee Senate bans the exclusive teaching of gravity

The Tennessee Senate has today approved a bill declaring that gravity is ‘just one of many possible theories” and should not be taught exclusively in schools.

Ron Weinger, a Republican State Senator who supported the bill, stated that the legislature would allow students to “challenge current scientific thought and theory”.

Speaking from outside the Tennesse State Capitol building in Nashville, Weinger said the bill would protect teachers who chose to criticize gravity and other scientific theories in their classrooms.

“The aim of all education is to teach students to think for themselves and we plan to do this by allowing children to be indoctrinated with whatever loosely founded views their teachers may hold.”

He added “there is strong evidence in the Bible that the Law of Gravity is a fallacy. For example, Hebrew 1:3 explicitly states that Christ upholds all things by the word of his power – seems like a pretty solid argument to me”

“If you compare this against what’s currently taught – that matter ‘emits gravitational waves’ which ‘effect the curvature of the space time continuum’…well gravity starts to look pretty unlikely doesn’t it? I’m pretty sure most of those aren’t even real words. Unlike Christ’s.”

Ms. Jenny Fuller, an elementary school teacher from Gatlinburg TN who has been campaigning against the inclusion of gravity in the school curriculum for several years, said she was “delighted” with the outcome.

“I have long felt uncomfortable teaching gra…gra….this theory” she said. “It is clearly a dangerous idea to teach our children – Newton ‘discovered’ gravity by an apple falling on his head, Adam and Eve fell from the Garden of Eden for eating one. Then Newton calls gravity an ‘attractive force between all objects’ – such a mentality is clearly a gateway for temptation and sexual promiscuity”.

Chairman of the Tennessee Republicans Chris Malloy said the bill was “a huge advancement for this great State.”

He added “this stand against the teaching of gravity, forced upon us by the Federal Government, perfectly embodies the Republican values that Tennessee was founded on – religious freedom, laissez-faire governance and trickle-down economics…oh…wait…fuck.”

Giant Pandas in evolutionary identity crisis

The Beijing Department of Animal Studies last night announced a startling breakthrough in their fight to re-establish the endangered Giant Panda. It is thought the discovery, reported on Chinese television network CCTV, could herald a new era in the fight to save the species.

“During clinical trials conducted by a team of international scientists” the network stated “A member of team made an astonishing discovery”

“It was noticed that every single Panda answered to the name Leroy”.

“We were in the midst of studying a segment of the animals genome thought to contain clues to breeding habits. It was pretty late and I was getting rather drowsy, so I shouted for the intern to bring me coffee” revealed Svetlana Alikov, the lead researcher on the project.

What followed next has been described by the international scientific community as the most significant moment in the species’ 45 year long fight against extinction.

“The pandas in the holding pen started behaving restlessly and after a few moments, the adolescent female Zhu-Lin bustled off, returning 3 minutes later with a caramel macchiato” she continued.

“I was stunned. Turns out, all you have to do is address them as Leroy and they do exactly what you ask.”

This morning the research teamed outlined a 10-year selective breeding programme – previously thought impossible due to difficulties involved in achieving successful copulation – to restore the population to a self-sustaining level.

There are fears, however, that the animal – native to Western China – may struggle to re-establish itself on the Asian continent. American Brett Johnson, technician on the project, highlighted the issues concerned:

“There is one simple hurdle in the panda’s fight for survival in Asia” he explained “the Chinese people couldn’t pronounce ‘l’ correctly if their own mother was being mauled by a llama.”

The Large Hadron Collider – Life after Higgs

CERN’s use of the Large Hadron Collider to discover the Higgs Boson, a particle thought to provide mass, has been hailed as the one of the largest scientific breakthroughs since Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.

However scientists at the institution have admitted that they have “absolutely no idea” what to do with the particle accelerator now and are searching for another use.

Director General Prof Rolf Incadel explains: “the Higgs Boson was discovered by re-creating conditions immediately after the Big Bang, achieved by firing particles at one another at incredibly high speeds.”

“We were hoping that this technique could be expanded to help us prove the existence of other theoretical objects, like unicorns.”

“Unfortunately our preliminary tests have been unsuccessful.”

“We experimented with colliding ponies and some pointy sticks, travelling at around 99.9999999991% the speed of light. However the data was inconclusive…and messy. We are hopeful that refining the angle of these collisions might yield better results”.

Despite the lack of success so far, the US military has announced that it is closely following the project. It is thought that they are interested in using the technique to justify the Iraq war, by conclusively proving the existence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the country.

Chewbacca loses Wimbledon final, wins nation’s hearts

Roger Federer (30) was victorious in the final of the men’s singles at Wimbledon this Sunday. However, whilst the Swiss tennis star took home his fifth title and over $23 million in prize money, his opponent was also rewarded by a shift in public opinion.

Playing as the first Wookiee to ever reach the Men’s final, Chewbacca (224) lost three out of four sets to Federer.

A veteran on the tennis circuit, Chewbacca has failed to win over the public during his career, despite formidable tennis skills (his immensely powerful reverse shot, dubbed the ‘Chewbac-hand’, is particularly notorious).

The media has often commented on the distance between his sporting and social gifts. He is well known for his lack of eye contact and habit of ‘grunting’ during interviews. This, combined with his morose expression during matches, has led to his nickname of ‘The Wretched Wookiee’.

This all changed after Chewbacca’s very public disappointment at losing this year’s final. Dropping his racket, he cried “BLEUGHHHHHARMEMMMEEHHUUIIIKKKJOOOJOJHHEEEEESSSSFDDDEEE”, his anguish broadcast worldwide as tears matted the fur below his eyes.


Such an affecting display had never been seen before from the player, who nevertheless restrained himself to shake his opponent’s hand and congratulate him before the cameras.

His emotional yet graceful reaction in the face of defeat struck a cord with the British public, who hastened to praise the player on Twitter, including remarks from several famous figures.

“He may have lost the match, but Chewbacca has shown impeccable sportsmanship” tweeted golfer Lee Westwood.

Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour Party, posted that “He has forever won a place in British hearts. The nation is proud”.

During an interview with The Guardian this morning, the player was asked if his newfound popularity had alleviated his disappointment. In an uncharacteristically loquacious reply, Chewbacca stated “DDRRIIIINNNTTTEEEEEGGGUUUNNN…RAWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRWRWRRRRWRRRRRRWRWRRRRRRRRR”.


Pamplona bull in horrifying injury

In a remarkable role reversal, a bull was gored to death in last week’s Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. The event takes place every year between the 6th and 14th of July in the Spanish town, attracting large crowds and global interest. The 600kg beast – named Los Terminos, meaning ‘The Terminator’ – was mauled by a 19 year old Greek man mid-way through the second morning of the festival.

“I heard the most almighty bellow” said American Brett Newell, competing in the event for the second time. “He came storming past me, head down and snorting viciously, before ploughing straight into the bull’s chest. Mental.”

It is the first time in the history of the event that such a serious injury has occurred to one of the bulls, with ambulance crews usually on hand to treat injured human competitors and spectators.

Little is known about the identity of the Greek teen, although many speculate that he was staging a bizarre protest against recent austerity measures enforced by the Greek government.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” reported one onlooker “The look in his eyes was terrifying. Although if my government slashed minimum wage by 22%, I’d be rather peeved”

“The poor creature never stood a chance”

When loan sharks bite back

A 45 year old man from Merseyside was taken to hospital by air ambulance after an incident involving a loan shark. He is being treated for severe leg and torso lesions. A 29 year old woman, believed to be his girlfriend, was also admitted to Broadgreen Hospital, Liverpool, with minor injuries.

It is believed that the couple seriously underestimated the literal nature of the notorious black-market financier. Reports indicate that at around 17.00 BST last Friday, a man was seen entering a property, widely known in the area as belonging to the shady lender, “munching on a steak sandwich”.

“I was 30 feet away, but it was unmistakably bloodier than medium rare” said Gary Pratley, who was in the area at the time of the incident. “All I’m saying is, I wouldn’t go near ol’ Jagger with even a pack of Walker’s steak and onion”

Richard ‘Jaws’ Jagger, a 14ft great white shark, is well known to the local authorities, having been charged with various accounts of assault, intimidation and minor fraud over the past decade.

“This won’t be the last time a member of the public falls foul of Mr Jagger” a police spokesperson said earlier today. “In the current economic climate, it is only natural for someone to seek alternative means of paying the bills. But we must stress that engaging in illegal activity with such characters is seriously dangerous, as Fridays events prove”

“By means of prosecution, there isn’t much we can about Mr Jagger” he continued. “Since the EU introduced those new fishing laws, we can’t just bash him on the head and chuck him back in the ocean”