US government uncover Russian spy network

News emerged from Washington earlier this week that the Pentagon has uncovered an extensive network of Russian ‘sleeper spies’ spanning across the entire United States. Experts believe that the nexus dates back to the height of the Cold War in the 1980s, and may contain as many as 30,000 agents.

A ‘sleeper agent’ is a spy placed within the target organization or country as a potential future asset. They are usually indistinguishable from the general population and often live full, active lives in their community for a number of years.

Often portrayed in popular fiction, the sleeper spy was a fabled tactic of the Soviet Union throughout the latter half of the 20th century. Until now, the US have only found evidence of a handful of sleeper spies.

Agents at both the FBI and CIA have been working on discovering a method to easily identify the spies and dismantle the 30 year old network. Government sources suggest that a simple code-word or phrase will hold the key to identifying the agents, a method that would have allowed the Russian Government to activate a large number of spies in times of need.

It is rumoured that the phrase ‘No thank you, I’ve had quite enough vodka’ Агенты, активировать. Проводить все цели и свергнуть правительство. Смерть на Западе. Агенты, активировать. Проводить все цели и свергнуть правительство. Смерть на Западе.Агенты, активировать. Проводить все цели и свергнуть правительство. Смерть на Западе.Агенты, активировать. Проводить все цели и свергнуть правительство. Смерть на Западе./////Агенты, активировать. Проводить все цели и свергнуть правительство. Смерть на Западе.Агенты, активировать. Проводить все цели и свергнуть правительство. Смерть на Западе.!!!!!

Пусть ваши пули летят прямо.

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Apple reveal iTunes license agreement shock

A scandal emerged this morning as technology giant Apple released a press conference drawing attention to a clause in their widely overlooked iTunes license agreement. This clause allows the firm to immediately seize the user’s first born child.

Users of the Apple product must agree to a list of contractual obligations totalling 50 pages in order to use the media player.

A recent study conducted by investment specialist Skandia reveals that only 7% of users read the terms and conditions before signing up to free products and services.

The recent announcement by Apple CEO Tim Cook, delivered in a conference at their headquarters in California, was met by widespread shock and indignation from the audience.

“Clause 37b of the End User Agreement clearly states; ‘Users accept that Apple Inc. be granted full and immediate access to the first born of whatever children they might have, with the right to full custody. Further to this, the former legal guardians will have no right to appeal’” said Cook.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. We take your traditional child and turn them into a next-generation infant that is sleek, portable and intuitive” he continued, whilst demonstrating the benefits of implanting Apple’s signature control wheel in the forehead of a 18 month old baby.

This is the latest in the line of revolutionary new technological advances announced by Apple since they integrated the voice recognition system Siri into their iPhone 4S. Cook demonstrated in the conference how they believed the new iNfant would improve the anthropomorphic nature of Siri.

“We have been working hard on improving Siri, allowing greater voice control and a more engaging experience”

“Hello Siri, how are you today?” Cook jovially addressed the motionless infant, to a smattering of polite laughter.

“I want my Mummy”

 

 

See the full story and more at  http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=126517727492227&set=a.122387881238545.30187.122358684574798&type=1&theater

Chick-fil-A launch controversial new advertisement campaign

Fast food franchise Chick-fil-A continues to attract press attention, this week announcing plans for a controversial advertisement campaign starring new mascot “The Chick-Fill-A”.

The chain has recently come under scrutiny after it was revealed that the company’s charitable arm — the WinShape Foundation – had donated large sums of money to organizations that promote “anti gay” views and behavior.

One of these organizations to have received donations from Chick-fil-A is the Family Research Council (FRC), which has been labeled a “certified anti gay hate group” by the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC). The Chair of the FRC, Tony Perkins said he believed homosexuality should be outlawed in an interview on MSNBC in 2010.

Chick-fil-A’s funding of such groups has been a source of great controversy over recent weeks. Many supporters of gay rights have requested boycotts of the company, or for the restaurants to be closed down all together.

Those supporting the chain, including Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, have declared that such actions would be a violation of First Amendment rights such as freedom of speech. Huckabee called for a “Chick-Fil-A appreciation day” on his Facebook page, with other 550,000 viewers responding that they would participate.

Many are likely to regard the company’s new ad campaign as another attack on the gay community. The adverts star a mascot named “the Chick-Fill-A” and have already be criticized as an attempt to promote a heterosexual lifestyle and traditional marriage.

The adverts show a well-built cartoon man enjoying Chick-fil-A’s famous Deluxe Chicken Sandwich and waffle fries with a large breasted but modestly dressed woman. The woman’s t-shirt declares her “The Wife” whilst the man’s says “The Chick Filler” in large red letters.

The clips are accompanied by a musical jingle with lyrics including “Come to Chick-fil-A for delicious chicken/and to learn that the only place to stick-it-in/is your lady-wife/Chick-fil-A for life/We can’t say that you can’t be gay/But the Chick-Fill-A knows it’s the only way!”

Man googles ‘google’, forms black hole

A 24 year old man from the US city of Phoenix last night invoked global outrage as he broke one of the internet’s most fundamental taboos. It is rumoured that the man entered the term ‘google’ into the popular online search engine of the same name, at around 23.11 MST. The search engine returned just 1 result in 0.014 seconds – a black hole. The unnamed man, who fell victim to his own insanity, has become the first documented victim of the infamous cosmic phenomenon

Until last night’s events, black holes were commonly thought to be formed from the detritus left in the aftermath of supernovae – the explosion of a decaying star. It seems, however, that astrophysicists had overlooked the possibility of human behaviour reaching such depravity.

“We are baffled” admitted physicist Sir Roger Penrose, of the University of Oxford.

“We were confident that the hype around the CERN experiments causing a black hole was ridiculous, but this? How could we foresee such an act?”

It had been previously speculated that CERN’s Large Hadron Collider may provide conditions conducive to the formation of a black hole that would engulf the earth, but one did not materialise.

World renowned expert on black hole theory Stephen Hawking was unavailable for comment in wake of the unfolding events, although he is reported to have batted a solitary, despondent eyelid.

“There isn’t much we can do to counteract the black hole. A similar approach with Bing is not feasible, I can barely find the directions to my local curry house on there, let alone revert a gravitational singularity” continued Penrose.

“The most I can do is advise the public to steer clear of any approaching event horizons”

Tennessee Senate bans the exclusive teaching of gravity

The Tennessee Senate has today approved a bill declaring that gravity is ‘just one of many possible theories” and should not be taught exclusively in schools.

Ron Weinger, a Republican State Senator who supported the bill, stated that the legislature would allow students to “challenge current scientific thought and theory”.

Speaking from outside the Tennesse State Capitol building in Nashville, Weinger said the bill would protect teachers who chose to criticize gravity and other scientific theories in their classrooms.

“The aim of all education is to teach students to think for themselves and we plan to do this by allowing children to be indoctrinated with whatever loosely founded views their teachers may hold.”

He added “there is strong evidence in the Bible that the Law of Gravity is a fallacy. For example, Hebrew 1:3 explicitly states that Christ upholds all things by the word of his power – seems like a pretty solid argument to me”

“If you compare this against what’s currently taught – that matter ‘emits gravitational waves’ which ‘effect the curvature of the space time continuum’…well gravity starts to look pretty unlikely doesn’t it? I’m pretty sure most of those aren’t even real words. Unlike Christ’s.”

Ms. Jenny Fuller, an elementary school teacher from Gatlinburg TN who has been campaigning against the inclusion of gravity in the school curriculum for several years, said she was “delighted” with the outcome.

“I have long felt uncomfortable teaching gra…gra….this theory” she said. “It is clearly a dangerous idea to teach our children – Newton ‘discovered’ gravity by an apple falling on his head, Adam and Eve fell from the Garden of Eden for eating one. Then Newton calls gravity an ‘attractive force between all objects’ – such a mentality is clearly a gateway for temptation and sexual promiscuity”.

Chairman of the Tennessee Republicans Chris Malloy said the bill was “a huge advancement for this great State.”

He added “this stand against the teaching of gravity, forced upon us by the Federal Government, perfectly embodies the Republican values that Tennessee was founded on – religious freedom, laissez-faire governance and trickle-down economics…oh…wait…fuck.”

Giant Pandas in evolutionary identity crisis

The Beijing Department of Animal Studies last night announced a startling breakthrough in their fight to re-establish the endangered Giant Panda. It is thought the discovery, reported on Chinese television network CCTV, could herald a new era in the fight to save the species.

“During clinical trials conducted by a team of international scientists” the network stated “A member of team made an astonishing discovery”

“It was noticed that every single Panda answered to the name Leroy”.

“We were in the midst of studying a segment of the animals genome thought to contain clues to breeding habits. It was pretty late and I was getting rather drowsy, so I shouted for the intern to bring me coffee” revealed Svetlana Alikov, the lead researcher on the project.

What followed next has been described by the international scientific community as the most significant moment in the species’ 45 year long fight against extinction.

“The pandas in the holding pen started behaving restlessly and after a few moments, the adolescent female Zhu-Lin bustled off, returning 3 minutes later with a caramel macchiato” she continued.

“I was stunned. Turns out, all you have to do is address them as Leroy and they do exactly what you ask.”

This morning the research teamed outlined a 10-year selective breeding programme – previously thought impossible due to difficulties involved in achieving successful copulation – to restore the population to a self-sustaining level.

There are fears, however, that the animal – native to Western China – may struggle to re-establish itself on the Asian continent. American Brett Johnson, technician on the project, highlighted the issues concerned:

“There is one simple hurdle in the panda’s fight for survival in Asia” he explained “the Chinese people couldn’t pronounce ‘l’ correctly if their own mother was being mauled by a llama.”

Chewbacca loses Wimbledon final, wins nation’s hearts

Roger Federer (30) was victorious in the final of the men’s singles at Wimbledon this Sunday. However, whilst the Swiss tennis star took home his fifth title and over $23 million in prize money, his opponent was also rewarded by a shift in public opinion.

Playing as the first Wookiee to ever reach the Men’s final, Chewbacca (224) lost three out of four sets to Federer.

A veteran on the tennis circuit, Chewbacca has failed to win over the public during his career, despite formidable tennis skills (his immensely powerful reverse shot, dubbed the ‘Chewbac-hand’, is particularly notorious).

The media has often commented on the distance between his sporting and social gifts. He is well known for his lack of eye contact and habit of ‘grunting’ during interviews. This, combined with his morose expression during matches, has led to his nickname of ‘The Wretched Wookiee’.

This all changed after Chewbacca’s very public disappointment at losing this year’s final. Dropping his racket, he cried “BLEUGHHHHHARMEMMMEEHHUUIIIKKKJOOOJOJHHEEEEESSSSFDDDEEE”, his anguish broadcast worldwide as tears matted the fur below his eyes.

“DRUUUDDDDDDDD, RAWWWWGUMHHHEEEEWWW, BLUEGGGHHHUUUGGAAAAAAKKKKNNNKKNKNKKNKNK, BUUU BURRR BURRLEED DDDEE” he continued “GUUUUUUUTTTTTAAAMMMAAANNGGGGG FFAAALLLALANDN!”

Such an affecting display had never been seen before from the player, who nevertheless restrained himself to shake his opponent’s hand and congratulate him before the cameras.

His emotional yet graceful reaction in the face of defeat struck a cord with the British public, who hastened to praise the player on Twitter, including remarks from several famous figures.

“He may have lost the match, but Chewbacca has shown impeccable sportsmanship” tweeted golfer Lee Westwood.

Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour Party, posted that “He has forever won a place in British hearts. The nation is proud”.

During an interview with The Guardian this morning, the player was asked if his newfound popularity had alleviated his disappointment. In an uncharacteristically loquacious reply, Chewbacca stated “DDRRIIIINNNTTTEEEEEGGGUUUNNN…RAWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRWRWRRRRWRRRRRRWRWRRRRRRRRR”.

‘BRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOooOO’