US government uncover Russian spy network

News emerged from Washington earlier this week that the Pentagon has uncovered an extensive network of Russian ‘sleeper spies’ spanning across the entire United States. Experts believe that the nexus dates back to the height of the Cold War in the 1980s, and may contain as many as 30,000 agents.

A ‘sleeper agent’ is a spy placed within the target organization or country as a potential future asset. They are usually indistinguishable from the general population and often live full, active lives in their community for a number of years.

Often portrayed in popular fiction, the sleeper spy was a fabled tactic of the Soviet Union throughout the latter half of the 20th century. Until now, the US have only found evidence of a handful of sleeper spies.

Agents at both the FBI and CIA have been working on discovering a method to easily identify the spies and dismantle the 30 year old network. Government sources suggest that a simple code-word or phrase will hold the key to identifying the agents, a method that would have allowed the Russian Government to activate a large number of spies in times of need.

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Chick-fil-A launch controversial new advertisement campaign

Fast food franchise Chick-fil-A continues to attract press attention, this week announcing plans for a controversial advertisement campaign starring new mascot “The Chick-Fill-A”.

The chain has recently come under scrutiny after it was revealed that the company’s charitable arm — the WinShape Foundation – had donated large sums of money to organizations that promote “anti gay” views and behavior.

One of these organizations to have received donations from Chick-fil-A is the Family Research Council (FRC), which has been labeled a “certified anti gay hate group” by the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC). The Chair of the FRC, Tony Perkins said he believed homosexuality should be outlawed in an interview on MSNBC in 2010.

Chick-fil-A’s funding of such groups has been a source of great controversy over recent weeks. Many supporters of gay rights have requested boycotts of the company, or for the restaurants to be closed down all together.

Those supporting the chain, including Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, have declared that such actions would be a violation of First Amendment rights such as freedom of speech. Huckabee called for a “Chick-Fil-A appreciation day” on his Facebook page, with other 550,000 viewers responding that they would participate.

Many are likely to regard the company’s new ad campaign as another attack on the gay community. The adverts star a mascot named “the Chick-Fill-A” and have already be criticized as an attempt to promote a heterosexual lifestyle and traditional marriage.

The adverts show a well-built cartoon man enjoying Chick-fil-A’s famous Deluxe Chicken Sandwich and waffle fries with a large breasted but modestly dressed woman. The woman’s t-shirt declares her “The Wife” whilst the man’s says “The Chick Filler” in large red letters.

The clips are accompanied by a musical jingle with lyrics including “Come to Chick-fil-A for delicious chicken/and to learn that the only place to stick-it-in/is your lady-wife/Chick-fil-A for life/We can’t say that you can’t be gay/But the Chick-Fill-A knows it’s the only way!”

Tennessee Senate bans the exclusive teaching of gravity

The Tennessee Senate has today approved a bill declaring that gravity is ‘just one of many possible theories” and should not be taught exclusively in schools.

Ron Weinger, a Republican State Senator who supported the bill, stated that the legislature would allow students to “challenge current scientific thought and theory”.

Speaking from outside the Tennesse State Capitol building in Nashville, Weinger said the bill would protect teachers who chose to criticize gravity and other scientific theories in their classrooms.

“The aim of all education is to teach students to think for themselves and we plan to do this by allowing children to be indoctrinated with whatever loosely founded views their teachers may hold.”

He added “there is strong evidence in the Bible that the Law of Gravity is a fallacy. For example, Hebrew 1:3 explicitly states that Christ upholds all things by the word of his power – seems like a pretty solid argument to me”

“If you compare this against what’s currently taught – that matter ‘emits gravitational waves’ which ‘effect the curvature of the space time continuum’…well gravity starts to look pretty unlikely doesn’t it? I’m pretty sure most of those aren’t even real words. Unlike Christ’s.”

Ms. Jenny Fuller, an elementary school teacher from Gatlinburg TN who has been campaigning against the inclusion of gravity in the school curriculum for several years, said she was “delighted” with the outcome.

“I have long felt uncomfortable teaching gra…gra….this theory” she said. “It is clearly a dangerous idea to teach our children – Newton ‘discovered’ gravity by an apple falling on his head, Adam and Eve fell from the Garden of Eden for eating one. Then Newton calls gravity an ‘attractive force between all objects’ – such a mentality is clearly a gateway for temptation and sexual promiscuity”.

Chairman of the Tennessee Republicans Chris Malloy said the bill was “a huge advancement for this great State.”

He added “this stand against the teaching of gravity, forced upon us by the Federal Government, perfectly embodies the Republican values that Tennessee was founded on – religious freedom, laissez-faire governance and trickle-down economics…oh…wait…fuck.”

Dalai Lama storms Manchester in Buddhist Booze-up

Reports emerged this morning that the Dalai Lama, Buddhist spiritual leader of the politically disputed province of Tibet, has been held overnight by Manchester police. It is believed that the high lama in the Gelug branch of Tibetan buddhism has been released on bail following last night’s events.

The 14th Dalai Lama, otherwise known as Tenzin Gyatso, recently appeared in front of a live audience in the city at a show promoting social harmony. He is widely acclaimed as one of the leading ambassadors for human rights, and was in the English city with fellow Tibetan monks attending a convention on the role of racial integration in tackling poverty.

It is believed that, following the convention, a group of men clad in red robes were spotted in the Weatherpoons pub in central Manchester.

“We were quite shocked to see monks knocking back pint after pint of ale” admitted Chelsea Martin, 22, who was in the pub at the time. “They seemed to be having a nice time, quietly enjoying their drinks.”

Chelsea then reveals that it was after a few hours that her and her friends noticed something was awry. “They began to get more rowdy” she continued “eventually they a stood up, chanted some foreign verse, downed their drinks and stormed out.”

CCTV footage gathered from Manchester City Council clearly shows the group of clean shaven men wreaking a path of destruction down a main street of the northern city.

Witnesses have described events as “surreal”, “terrifying” and “strangely erotic”, as the men shattered store windows and intimidated groups of young women.

“They surrounded me, hands clasped in some satanic prayer, chanting solemnly ‘Get your tit’s out for Tibet'” said victim Rachelle Stephens. “One of the men then made a grab for me, so I legged it.”

It is thought that the group will be heavily fined as a result of last nights rampage, although due to the nature of their work in Manchester it is believed they will escape further prosecution.

When questioned by the press in the aftermath of yesterday’s shocking events, one of the monks gave the following statement “小伙子们在游览!” before being ushered into an unmarked police car.