Man googles ‘google’, forms black hole

A 24 year old man from the US city of Phoenix last night invoked global outrage as he broke one of the internet’s most fundamental taboos. It is rumoured that the man entered the term ‘google’ into the popular online search engine of the same name, at around 23.11 MST. The search engine returned just 1 result in 0.014 seconds – a black hole. The unnamed man, who fell victim to his own insanity, has become the first documented victim of the infamous cosmic phenomenon

Until last night’s events, black holes were commonly thought to be formed from the detritus left in the aftermath of supernovae – the explosion of a decaying star. It seems, however, that astrophysicists had overlooked the possibility of human behaviour reaching such depravity.

“We are baffled” admitted physicist Sir Roger Penrose, of the University of Oxford.

“We were confident that the hype around the CERN experiments causing a black hole was ridiculous, but this? How could we foresee such an act?”

It had been previously speculated that CERN’s Large Hadron Collider may provide conditions conducive to the formation of a black hole that would engulf the earth, but one did not materialise.

World renowned expert on black hole theory Stephen Hawking was unavailable for comment in wake of the unfolding events, although he is reported to have batted a solitary, despondent eyelid.

“There isn’t much we can do to counteract the black hole. A similar approach with Bing is not feasible, I can barely find the directions to my local curry house on there, let alone revert a gravitational singularity” continued Penrose.

“The most I can do is advise the public to steer clear of any approaching event horizons”

The Large Hadron Collider – Life after Higgs

CERN’s use of the Large Hadron Collider to discover the Higgs Boson, a particle thought to provide mass, has been hailed as the one of the largest scientific breakthroughs since Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.

However scientists at the institution have admitted that they have “absolutely no idea” what to do with the particle accelerator now and are searching for another use.

Director General Prof Rolf Incadel explains: “the Higgs Boson was discovered by re-creating conditions immediately after the Big Bang, achieved by firing particles at one another at incredibly high speeds.”

“We were hoping that this technique could be expanded to help us prove the existence of other theoretical objects, like unicorns.”

“Unfortunately our preliminary tests have been unsuccessful.”

“We experimented with colliding ponies and some pointy sticks, travelling at around 99.9999999991% the speed of light. However the data was inconclusive…and messy. We are hopeful that refining the angle of these collisions might yield better results”.

Despite the lack of success so far, the US military has announced that it is closely following the project. It is thought that they are interested in using the technique to justify the Iraq war, by conclusively proving the existence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the country.